Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Minding the faulted mind & Pressing On The Gas

The word ‘HOME’ was sloppily & childishly scrawled upon a sandstone rock which was propped up on our mat in front of our tent’s door. I stood there looking at it, arms full of needed gadgets: hatchet, a shovel, & a bag that we had labeled ‘bouldering’ which contained our climbing shoes, chalk bags, a guide, & two extra blocks of chalk. I was entranced looking at this piece of d├ęcor which Haggle had made. Silly & fittingly, it…fit. Something about it warmed the corridors of my heart. What’s more, was the thought that she had had the mind to do such a thing. Before, to create a comfortable energy of familiarity, I had started hanging prayer flags from our tent, or stringing them up between trees at whatever campsite we found ourselves, but alas, failing, I had forgot to bring them along.
Lewis, Duece & Haggle - Usual camp setup
Perhaps this is why Haggle added something personal to this particular site, but nevertheless, it worked. Substitution to that which I forgot. It seemed hard for me to move. To rent myself from my enraptured stare. Perhaps I was finding too much meaning where meaning wasn’t to be had (but the mind works best, & meaning is most found, when you turn it over & down upon itself, dissecting those ordinary thoughts that exist in the mind already – it is the watering of a flower in a desert heat), but Haggle unknowingly taught me something great from such a simple action: Enjoy where you are, not where you aren’t. I believed in a moment’s snap that wherever I was, was home. W/ Haggle & Deuce present, her smiles, his constant digging & contented demeanor, I could find home wherever I wished to look, & it would be there – no longer a mirage, a transient ghosting sense of something real, but a reality. Something as tangible as those things which I was holding in my arms. Even surrounded by the clay-like sheer cliffs of the south, beautiful, hold-less, perfect walls, climbing escaped my mind. I un-packed calmly. Deliberately. Slowly. Glad to be out at least…Enjoying exactly where I was, for I was home… 
Near Green River, Utah
...US 6 is a stretch of lonely road that seemingly elastics on for eternity; after every hill Eternity once again smiles its ugly, snide grin, daring you to contemplate its longevity. & that is exactly what you do. W/ Haggle asleep next to me, the stereo lightly coursing its tune, the hum of the tires jazzing it up in musical-tranced perfection, its all I can do but let the thoughts of my up-coming climbs criminal back into my head – apparently the weekend of contentment over, & back to the project I drive, back to the very real beast of failure I spin, & a sheath of futility paints over me in an awesome stroke. It is this futile emotion that grows w/in me as I gas the car forward (ever forward! Does this road ever end!) that spurs me on. So many years of such feelings, giving into them, forgetting & lamenting, cursing & spitting, but to what end? I glance over at Haggle. She looks peaceful in her car induced slumber, at home w/ herself & for a minute wish it was I who was the one fastly asleep, unaware of all that is. Solitude creates wishing. Wishing creates doubt. Doubt creates a loathsome concoction of ever stirring misery & pain induced longing. I cease to take notice of all that is passing by. The Southern Mountains dull in their natural gleam, the sky blue is just another expanse of nothing. I sigh soggily, arching my aching back; my knee, a torturous flame combusting from the inside out. Yes, the echo of US 6 creates something w/in me that resembles doubt. Mirrors that which I've left behind a long time ago. It aches & screams like my aeonian lust for the contents of a bottle. It's there, all of it, & should be acknowledged, & I do. I roll down the window, a gust of wonderfully warm air explodes into the car & onto my face, seemingly revitalizing something deep w/in my psyche. I step on the gas, marvel once again at what the mountains have to offer me, & say, fuck you, to US 6 & watch it recede into the rear view mirror.

1 comment:

  1. Hi – Will you please post a link to your Blog at The Rock Climbing Community? Our members will love it.
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    It's easy to do, just cut and paste the link and it automatically links back to your website… it’s a win win. You can also add Photos, Videos and equipment Classifieds if you like. It’s free and easy.
    Email me if you need any help or would like me to do it for you.
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    James Kaufman, Editor

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